on mother's day

To breathe, to feel, to think. These are rights.

To defend, to protect, to fight. These are duties.

Sometimes people get confused about what their rights are. Off and on, I see this simplistic and illiogical little sketch: "Don't like abortion? Don't have one," attempting to assert a woman's pretended "right to choose." I'm all for simplicity, but not for stupidity, and I just have to say (in the nicest way possible, of course) that this is the stupidest piece of preschool-level argument I've heard from anyone who fancies themselves a feminist. Let's follow the course it takes:

"Don't like child abuse? Don't beat your kid."

"Don't like infidelity? Don't have an affair."

"Don't like child p*rn? Don't look at it."

"Don't like rape? Don't rape anyone."

See where this goes?

Some people will protest that these are totally different topics and can't be compared to abortion. They don't understand that about two-thirds of abortions in the US are coerced or forced onto women. The act of abortion itself is a violence toward women and children that surpasses that of even rape or molestation. They argue about health care, but they don't understand that the abortion industry cares about women's health in the same way a pimp cares about the health of his prostitutes - it is only a means to a very lucrative end for them. In either case, women are used.

It's called "choice," but it's not. It's called "feminist," but half of the babies killed are feminine. That's not feminism, that's brutal murder. Slave owners fought for their "rights," too...and fancied themselves civil rights activists, also - but they weren't, and history shows the foolishness and cruelty of their position. And yet the reality of abortion makes even slavery look like a walk in the park.

And yet women are still deceived, grasping at this "right" that reveals the very deepest identity insecurity. Being a woman isn't good enough - we must have the option to reject the very nature of what we were made for. And, oh, don't you dare tell me I was made for creating children! I was made for more than that!

Oh, were you? Then you, my dear friend, have a very sorry, skewed idea of what motherhood is - which is understandable enough, considering that many of us were raised in a time when our mothers also bucked this calling, so how are we to know any better? But it is a very high calling - some say the highest of callings - higher than working in some office, higher than having your own business, higher than finishing some degree. And, yes, higher than that bucket list.

It is the gift of being able to mold and influence the very beginning of someone's life. It is the influence you have for the next generation, and every generation after that. The other stuff is good, sure - I like having a business, I love education - but these come far short of the calling of being a mother to as many kids as God will give me to raise for the future.

Humans breathe...feel...and think. Science shows that even the smallest of us do this. We were human before we were born. Toes, fingers, faces, at nine weeks gestation. I've seen it myself.

This very day, May 11th, was Mother's Day nine years ago. I was almost twelve weeks pregnant. During a long, devastating illness I woke up at four in the morning in excruciating pain, and realized we were losing our baby. Later that morning in the emergency room I saw him...he had arms, hands, and a little, tiny nose. He - yes, he - was no mere clump of cells, but fully human. The doctor said he had probably died two weeks earlier. He had been alive, but wasn't anymore.

I had never before known how human the unborn were. And it was Mother's Day. We named him Baruch.

As humans, we breathe, we feel, we think. As mothers, we defend, we protect, and we fight. We hold monumental influence over the future.

We pursue the highest calling, and make no apologies.


originally published at Copperlight Wood

Miscarriage Loss...And Gain.

I have neglected things here on the blog for a while. The primary reason was fatigue and sickness due to pregnancy. Then, at 12 weeks, we lost our little baby and I have been slowly recovering physically and emotionally from this very sad but beautiful journey.

We are a pro-life people in life and in death. We recognize that even our unborn child (only 2 inches long in life) lived for a purpose and we did our best to love him in life and treat him with dignity in death. Miscarriage is a loss...An empty womb. But recognizing the value of the life of my baby is a gain. I have a son forever!

As I've traveled this journey, it has become clear that many, many parents have already been down this same road and a great many will be where I walk. How can we deal with miscarriage as a pro-life people? I'd like to share some things that I have learned....

1. Do we deliver at home or the hospital?

There are certainly situations that require hospital delivery. Pregnancies that are far along or earlier pregnancies that show obvious signs of difficulty fall into that category. The desire to stay at home may meet with the necessity of greater medical care. But if a women does choose to go to the hospital, there are things she should be aware of.

Most doctors will throw away the body of a baby prior to 20 weeks simply because death certificates are not issued before that time. If you want the body of your child respected, then be prepared to fight for it. My midwife was very glad that I chose to stay at home. She described the process of trying to retrieve the baby from the hospital doctors as "difficult".

We delivered our baby at home and were able to see him and hold him. That's not possible for everyone, I know...But very worth it if it is a possibility. Stay in touch with your doctor regardless of your situation and be bold in defense of your preferences with regard to the body of your child.

2. Consider naming the baby.

During my personal grieving process, the greatest moment of healing came with naming our child. We did not know with certainty whether our baby was a boy or a girl but we took a leap and named him anyway. My husband chose the name Matthew. And in that naming I understood fully that I had a son. My arms were empty but my heart was full. My tears were a mixture of sadness and unquestionable joy as I imagined the meeting I would have with him some day.

I strongly encourage anyone who has lost a child (at any age) to consider naming him or her. It will bring you closer in love and knowledge to your little one and one step further in your healing.

3. What do we do with the baby's body?

This is not a simple question when the child is earlier than 20 weeks. Again, 20 weeks appears to be the cutoff age for a death certificate (at least in my state) and as I was told by an OB at the Catholic hospital in my area: "Honestly, they just throw them away before that...But I guess you could bury it in your backyard." She offered this directly after my loss and in response to my question about where I could bury my child. I made a mental note never to seek out this women for care!

Fortunately, many cemeteries will bury your little one regardless of age with a letter from your doctor (proof of pregnancy). A Catholic cemetery in our area will be burying Matthew, at no cost to us, in a special section dedicated to infants. They will also provide the headstone free of charge. It is a beautiful example of Christians walking the talk and I am profoundly grateful. We also had the option of burying him with a relative already at the cemetery and that would have cost us about $200.

The following photo was taken of a burial box that was lovingly made for Matthew by our friend, Jim Kelley. The box measures 11 x 7 x 6 and is constructed using pine. Not all cemeteries allow wood but our funeral director is providing a concrete enclosure for the box at no charge. Jim does not have a website but I will happily forward your information if you have an inquiry for him.


Contact your church leaders for any information they might have specific to your location.

4. Should we tell people about our loss?

Absolutely. Your baby's life was beautiful and worth remembering and honoring. By acknowledging the loss we are also acknowledging the life. Perhaps your example will inspire others to look at an unborn life in a new way. I hope and pray that mine has.

And if you are a member of a church, I strongly suggest having a memorial service or Mass which your friends and relatives can attend if they wish. My sister-in-law lost her baby 3 months before I did and we had one Mass said for both Matthew and Caeli (her baby). We did not advertise widely but our closest relatives and dearest friends attended. We were also surprised to see other members of our church who heard "through the grapevine" and wanted to lend their love and support. Our service was perfect and I will always carry that memory in my heart

5. How can I support someone who has experienced a miscarriage?

Please do follow your instinct and just love them as well as you can. There are so many ways to show support. I can list a few here but I'm sure there are many more. Please feel free to share additional ideas in the comments.

-Acknowledge the loss. Please don't ignore it. Set aside your own feelings of discomfort and offer your sympathy. Even if it seems to remind the mother of her grief, she will not be sorry that you have expressed your love. She may, however, notice if you seem to disregard her loss. And she will feel isolated and alone in her grief if none have the courage to walk with her.

-Ask if they've named the baby and use the name when speaking with and writing to them. If they haven't chosen a name, please remember not use the term "it" when referring to the child.

-Let her talk. Although a miscarriage seems "small" to others, it's a pretty big deal to the person it happens to. I am very blessed with people who allowed me to pour out my thoughts and feelings and I can see how difficult it would be to have no one.

-A miscarriage is like a mini labor. It can be physically exhausting, quite painful and sometimes rather lengthy, and does require a period of recovery. Consider sending a nutritious meal or offering to watch other children to allow mama that recovery time.

-Do send an expression of sympathy. A card is a beautiful way to let someone know you are thinking of them. I recently purchased several beautiful cards from Loss Remembered and unfortunately, have had occasion to use them all. I intend to purchase several more so that I never again delay or miss the opportunity to send a token of love and support.

-If you are close to the family or simply want to do something more, consider a small memorial gift. A personalized Christmas ornament is a lovely choice. A very close family member (husband or parent) might consider memorial jewelry for the mother. It is a beautiful way to honor the life and loss of her baby and her motherhood at the same time. The picture below shows a memorial cross that I purchased for my sister-in-law. It was handcrafted and personalized for her with her baby's name and a '2009' charm on the back by Totally Crosses.



This memorial necklace made by Peace of Mind is a personal and touching way to express support.


See Handmade for Life's list of jewelry artists to request custom work.

Other ideas include a memorial plant for their yard (such as a rose), a donation to a crisis pregnancy center in the baby's name, or a basket of pretty bath and body items to comfort and pamper mama.

-Pray for the family. A woman's grief often runs deeper than anyone can see. I have heard many stories in the last few weeks of women who suffered intensely after an early miscarriage and were offered no support from a spouse or family. Depression is common.

We live in a world where babies are throw-aways and a woman is so often expected to forget and move on quickly. The smaller the baby, the less we are supposed to grieve. But our pro-life hearts know that every life has an equal value and purpose and that we are called to love each and every one.

I offer the suffering of my loss in solidarity with all mothers who are victimized by abortion. I pray that they may find healing, consolation and forgiveness through the lives of their heavenly children.

Other Miscarriage resources:

Pregnancy Loss